The Art Of Flirting
by Lady Bec of Imagineland
Summary: Whoever thought that flirting with an accessory was a good idea should be shot. This is now going to be a collection of Fem England/ France one-shots human names are used (chapter 6 how could it get worse?)
1. Fans

The art of flirting

1842

Never Again would Alice allow herself to be stupid enough to flirt with Francis. Victoria, the normally smart and sensible young ruler, had been unusually foolish on this matter.

"But Chuckaboo, I'm so happy with my Francis!" She had exclaimed before the ball with the French delegates excitedly dragging her nation into her room. "I want you to be happy with your Francis as well, and I'm sure he likes you! Besides, this is a new way of flirting in court and your Francis is so fashionable since he comes from Paris, I'm sure he will be able to take charge and take over after you have stated your intentions."

"He isn't my Francis, and he has never been able to take charge of anything, even when he was an empire." Alice whined as she allowed her queen to drag her to the wardrobe, pulling out a pink gown with an empire waist and a painfully low cut bodice. "No. I allowed you to dress me up and use me as a doll when you were a child, Victoria, but it is PINK and if I sneeze I will expose myself." She protested attempting to wiggle free.

"That is the point! He is French you need to catch his attention somehow; and you should try to be feminine more often! From the stories you told me when I was little, more often than not you were dressed up for war or in men's clothes." The other woman giggled and started forcing Alice into the dress.

After a few more quite protests, the nation allowed herself to be dressed in the monstrosity and have her hair done. It wouldn't do for Victoria to learn that several times in the past, Francis had seen her perfectly prettied up. The first time that had happened was during the rule of Henry VIII; when the new ruler had declared that a beautiful woman should be dressed accordingly and often flirted with her behind his wife's back. Simply put, within the first year of his reign, during a visit to France, she had been practically kidnapped by the Frenchman. She was not allowed to return until the dreadful king had passed; but that is a story for another time.

"There Chuckaboo! Don't you look so pretty; your Francis won't be able to resist you!" Vitoria chirped as she finished putting up the older woman's hair. "Now here is a fan; depending on what you want to express, you do different things with it. For example…"

"Hold on, I think I will need to write this down," Alice interrupted looking for an inkwell.

Alice leaned against the wall of the party, unsure why she was here. She hated balls, they were truly detestable things. Suddenly, though, she caught sight of Francis; after a quick check on the inside of her fan where her notes were written she violently flipped open her fan and held it awkwardly in her left hand. Wincing at the noise she flinched slightly, she had seen several young women do that earlier so gracefully, yet when she tried it was like the object had become a weapon.

However, it did get the desired reaction, as Francis walked over with his normal casual stride, disgustingly elegant in a way Alice would never manage. "Mon chaton, are you not a lovely flower today; however did they get you in the dress? I am surprised that you are not in trousers today." He greeted her as he took her hand and kissed it politely.

After a quick glance at the notes, she started studying the design on the fan. "It is nice to see you as well, frog face? How is your king?" Alice asked and after a quick glance at the fan she started fanning herself almost frantically, in a painfully awkward way that only she would be able to manage.

"He is well. Mon cher is there a bee? Or perhaps you are not feeling well?" He asked, a telltale smirk showing he was about to start teasing.

"I am perfectly fine, Francis. Why wouldn't I be?" Alice answered, giving up fanning herself and instead pressed the now half-open fan to her lips.

"Cher? Are you sure you are well? Did you eat some of this miserable English food and it upset your delicate stomach?" Francis asked, as he watch Alice glance at her Fan before closing it all the way and pressing the handle now to her lips.

"I hate you so much, you Frog!" Was the sudden shout as the irate woman threw her fan, hitting him in the face before storming off.

"You were supposed to be the fashionable one!" Was the sharp scolding from Queen Victoria, who had appeared behind him, before smacking his arm and chasing down her nation.

"What?" Francis looked around helplessly before picking up the fan, ready to chase down his female friend who was apparently being overly emotional.

"I wouldn't go after her," The kind voice that belonged to Prince Albert sounded and a kind hand rested on his arm stopping his movement. "English woman are very strange and I am not sure anyone will ever understand them.

Francis could only nod sadly watching where Alice had run off to. It wasn't until well after the ball ended and he was back in France that he remember the fan. Looking at the flimsy thing he noticed small and neat rows of handwriting on it and couldn't stop the smirk that took over his face.

~Several months later~

Alice walked into the ball room feeling much better as she was properly dressed in breeches and a shirt. She was the United Kingdom, few people would openly scold her! Off to the side she noticed Francis holding… a fan? More precisely her fan. When he noticed her as she approached him, he started quickly fanning himself like one of the ladies from court.

"What? Is there a bee?" Alice snapped shooting him a glare and snatching her fan back before storming off.

Francis shrugged at the confused looks of the English Lords. He would win her over some day.

AN: So this also falls into the Almost a date and Mein Bruder universe, but way back in time so it may not be really brought up again. I had several ideas for some France and Fem England stories though so you can be expecting them. Tell me what you think!

Fan translations, at least from what I found on Google :)

Carrying in left hand, open = come and talk to me.

Looking closely at the painting = I like you

Quickly fanning herself = I love you so much

Half-opened fan pressed to the lips: "You may kiss me."

Putting the fan handle to the lips: "Kiss me."

Other translations

Mon chaton = my kitten

mon cher, = my dear

Chuckaboo was apparently a Victorian slang nickname for a close friend.


	2. An awkward rescue mission

An awkward rescue mission

Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia.

1510

In the simplest of terms, Francis was worried. He had heard that the new King of England was apparently notoriously loose with women. It was highly unlikely that they would execute Alice for cross-dressing, but he hoped the spunky younger nation would be careful and remain 'Arthur' until that… that putain d'homme was dead.

It wouldn't hurt to check up on her through, would it? Unofficially of course, not as the nation of France but as Lord Francis Bonnefoy, just checking up on a friend. After all, King Louis XII had an alright relationship with England currently, so it wouldn't be unspeakable for a Lord from Paris to come shower the normally drab England with some fashion.

However, when he reached London he was horrified when he first saw her. She had a cap to cover her short hair and heavily embroidered dress complete with farthingale, and was backed into a corner like she wanted nothing more than just to disappear.

"Ma bichette, it is worse than I thought," He said first thing when he reached her, causing her to jump in surprise. "Mon chou, why are you dressed like this?"

"Stop with the names, Francis; and when I introduced myself to him, he declared it would be a shame to have a flower hidden away." She stated dryly, un-amused by the fact that her ruler hadn't gone along with her century long ruse like his ancestors had.

"I see," Francis muttered, stepping aside and slipping back into the crowds as King Henry came over to speak with Alice, who looked painfully uncomfortable. The rest of the night, Francis kept one eye on Alice, monitoring to make sure she wasn't dragged off somewhere unwilling.

It was well after midnight when a shadow could have been seen sneaking into the Kirkland manor. The bedroom door was no match for the expert lock pick. The door opened slowly and the intruder had just enough time and practice to parry an attack from the room's occupant, quickly pinning their assailant.

"Francis, you…." Any further protests were muffled by the hand covering her mouth.

"Mon chaton, I have decided it would be best if you returned to Paris with me, under the circumstances. I have two horses already saddled and waiting for us." The mischievous intruder said with a smirk. Then, before any protest could be made, the small blonde she was gagged and carried outside.

The ride was hard, but after several rest stops for the horses and a ferry, they reached Paris safely within a few days. It was an awkward time period for the two; even though their countries were at war again, she remained in his Paris manor. Francis all but told her to stay until her King was dead to prevent her from getting placed in a situation that she couldn't escape from.

Alice fit into the Manor well; running around in a simple dress and a scarf covering her hair, which was grown out because in France there was no reason to pretend. They got along, but weren't lovers and weren't married, but they would randomly get into fights for reasons no-one could find a reason for. The servants all assumed that they were cousins, or perhaps siblings, and her marriage hadn't worked out.

It was understood by them both that she would need to go back eventually. That was why it wasn't a surprise in late January 1547 when Francis came home from his trip to the market to find a pile of hair and some of his trousers and a tunic missing. He was also unsurprised to hear that a new king was crowned shortly thereafter.

It was fine; he would keep his eyes open in case any other boring English rulers tried anything funny.

AN: Well this turned out more serious than I had wanted, but hopefully it wasn't a complete downer!

Translations- sorry I used Google translate so if something is off help me out you guys!

putain d'homme = man whore

ma bichette = my little doe

mon chou = my cabbage

mon chaton = my kitten


	3. The Centurion

The Centurion

Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia or Doctor Who.

AN: I never mix fandoms but I couldn't help it. Also; This is the third thing I've posted this week which is really unusual for me but I have been having so much fun writing this paring and I'm on vacation.

Francis would occasionally make fun of her longest running, and personal favorite, show. Making jokes about the poor special effects and the fact that The Doctor still hadn't fixed the time machine so it wasn't the tacky blue police box. He was probably just jealous that the "country of love" wasn't home to the most romantic and lovable couple. Rory Williams was easily Alice's favorite character in all of the different seasons. Probably one of the times that the experiences of the national personification leaked into the citizen's lives. Thankfully Rory wasn't played by a French actor, otherwise she would have been unable to deny it.

It had started well before they were their own countries; when they were simply wild children, the equivalent of colonies of the time. He would often cross the strait to tease her in that silly language of his and run around with her older brothers when he was visiting. The two got along for the most part, both being ruled by Rome, and it wasn't until the 11th century when they started fighting. It was normally about land, but occasionally just their rulers being stupid.

She was expected to fight with her people, sailing across to the mainland for battles. For the most part she was too small to get into trouble, having the ability to duck under her attacker's legs and under horses. However, it was bound to have its risks. The first time she was caught was in the 1340's. She can't even remember how she had ended up stumbling into the French camp alone, but it was easy for them to figure out who she was. After all, how many English children had full suits of armor and a sword? Quickly, she was caught and started to be carted off to Paris.

The first night after her capture, as the young nation dressed as a little lad shivered in a wagon that she was tied to while she tried to untie the bonds herself, a familiar mop of long blonde hair appeared. The young teen nation of France cradled up with her.

"Mon lapin, I was worried I wouldn't find you in time," Was all Francis had said before cutting her ties and returning her to her people.

For years he was her guard. From both other nations and her own people when there were uprisings or she had particularly bad monarchs. Even when his own land was in turmoil, Francis somehow managed to appear just in time to make sure Alice was safe.

On November 4, 1940, the Germans had been bombing London for 57 days strait and her people were screaming in fear, an untold amount killed. London, her heart and capitol, was in rubble. She had been drawn from the safety of the shelter King George VI and Prime Minister Churchill had assigned her to by the need to see the horror for herself. The horror that she felt as each bomb landing painfully on her land, tearing her apart. Even underground, the screams of her people, her children were overpowering and she needed to help somehow. She couldn't stand being cooped up below ground.

She couldn't remember much of that night; somehow having managed to get hit by a falling flower pot early during the chaos. She did remember the feeling of being carried out of the chaos, a brief glimpse of those oh so familiar laughing blue eyes and that inconveniently long blonde hair. They were fighting a war and he still wouldn't cut it. When she woke up she was in her old Manor outside of London and he was gone. She didn't see him again until after the battle of Normandy.

Then the absolutely humiliating episode of Doctor Who, Amy's Choice, premiered. It was painfully similar to a dream she had recently had several weeks prior, where somehow she was married to Francis and pregnant; living happily in his French countryside cottage. Alice knew Francis had watched the episode too. Every time something strange happened for months, he would play on his phone the Dream Lord's bird song. Then, Alice was sure she had been caught when the next month the final episode of the season had Rory dressed in a Roman Centurion outfit; almost identical to the costume that Francis had worn to the previous costume party Amelia had thrown. At the next world meeting she had fully been expecting the teasing and him attempting to molest* here, instead there was the opposite. It was truly unsettling when she expected overbearing affection, instead she got a cold shoulder and unusually low blows during their arguments.

Whatever, at least there hadn't been any more episodes that close to the truth; and if there was anything else that came up she would just deny it. She couldn't have Francis thinking something silly, like the fact that she may like him.

AN: So this was so much fun to write! I love Doctor Who and I love Hetalia, and for some reason when I was re-watching season 5 of DW I had this story idea. It is kinda strange I know since Amy is Scottish but I figure I would still write it. The Next chapter will be more Francis and what is actually happening on his side of things with this.

* (My beta suggested I remind everyone of the definition here - pester or harass someone, typically in an aggressive or persistent manner.)

mon lapin = my rabbit


	4. The girl who waited

The Girl Who Waited

Disclamer: I don't own DW or Hetalia.

AN: Last multi fandom chapter I promise, also spoilers if you haven't watched DW season five for some strange reason and you want to please skip to next chapter until you are caught up… Cuz really, that was like three seasons ago.

Francis had a secret that he would take to his grave. It was shameful, a television show that he should have no business in watching; so he had often taken to watching it in the dead of the night with all of the lights off like it was some kind of porno. He was unfortunately, addicted to Doctor Who. It had started back in 1963 when Alice had called him excited about her newest television show about aliens. He had scoffed at the time making some kind of jab about that sounding like an American show but had made sure to watch the premier.

Through the decades he faithfully watched, making sure to plan his meetings around the strange British series. Never would he admit to the younger nation that watching it had turned into a regular occurrence and if he slipped up and said something about it around Alice he would scoff and say that there had been nothing else on at the time and it hadn't been a total waist of time. When in truth he fell in love with the characters and cried like a little girl when the companions had to go or the doctor was replaced.

His favorite companion easily was Amelia the girl who waited and who shared the same fiery disposition as Alice. The actress that played her was one of Alistair's citizens which temporarily threw him off but it made sense that the creators used the Scottish girl; after all Alice was the national personification officially of Britain in its entirety. That was besides the point, the point was he got attached very quickly to the new companion. There was one bad thing about the newest season with the "bonny" Amy Pond; was the fact that she was engaged to the dull and un-fabulous Rory Williams.

The boring character that Amy was for some strange reason attached to. She had the fashionable Doctor who was Dashing and Daring and who could completely take care of her but she chose Rory with his stupid face! He was constantly dressing in Plaid for goodness sakes and he wasn't even Canadian! There was even a horrifying episode where Amy and Rory were in a dream world where they lived in a village and she was pregnant. To torment her for the following weeks he downloaded a dream-lord ringtone and played it whenever she was near.

Alice must have a crush with someone. It was the only logical reason for this strange turn of events of a love interest in the TV show. Who though? Matthiue could have been assumed from the plaid but that idea was instantly dismissed, it was much to strange for it to be true; Alice was his maman. Ludwig was easy as serious and unfashionable as Rory but that too could be dismissed because he was too young for her. Roderich was old enough and was also a brunette but he was to unpleasant in general for her to like him.

He was starting to wonder if it could have been Antonio however he no longer had to worry about it after the pleasant surprise of the episode Cold Blood when Rory died. That was a his favorite episode. Yes Amy was sad and that was unforgivable; but Rory was dead and had never existed so there was no way they would end up together! The season continued with Amy being unfortunately sad but it was sure to get better for her now that the menace was taken are of.

Then there was the horrifying and shocking two part season finale. Invasion of the hot Italians? INVASION OF THE HOT ITALIANS? GOTTA LOVE A ROMAN? He had been wrong about who she had the crush on. Then the season ended with Amy and Rory getting married! He was supposed to be dead! He died and that was his favorite episode! He would be writing a letter to whoever was in charge over there, besides Alice because she couldn't know he watched it religiously.

The next meeting was torture; Alice came in blushing obviously hoping no-one had tuned in and learned her secret crush. He knew he was pouting but who would have thought Lovino, also known as Romano, also known as Sothern Italy. He thought she would have better taste in men than that.

The meeting finished after too long of a day filled with many arguments; and after the meeting room cleared out he was surprised that Lovino was the only one left in the room besides him.

"How long has this been going on? Lovino and don't you dare play dumb I know the truth?" Francis snarled as he grabbed the slightly smaller man.

"How did you find out! No one knows!" Lovino stammered attempting to break free.

"I am not stupid, now tell me how long have you been wooing mon lapin Alice?" Francis snapped needing the truth, how long had he missed this?

"Wait now I truly am confused; What? Idiot I don't want anything to do with her." The poor victim denied only to be cut off.

"What are your intentions? Don't try to lie to me, I will find out the truth. You are barley support your own country what happens if she has another depression? What plans do you have for your future! Ta mere est tellement petite, que sa Tete pue des pieds!" Francis was now shaking the poor younger country, but thankfully before any real damage could be done Antonio and Julia dragged him off the poor Italian. Antonio opting to make sure his little brother made it home safely and Julia taking Francis out for some much needed drinking.

Five wine bottles later he sat with one of his oldest friends, poring his heart out to the least feminine female nation in existence as the Prussian patted his back nodding occasionally. As he explained the last episodes where the character that was so obviously Alice was happily united with her Roman Rory a snort erupted from his friend.

"This isn't funny Julia! Alice is obviously in love with Lovino and I don't have any chance." Francis groaned into his wine glass.

"You don't remember your costume from Amelia's party Francis? Honestly?" Julia asked snickering.

"This is not the time to plan matching costumes! Ma chère is in love with another!" Francis moaned ignoring the hint and Julia rolled her eyes. In the morning if he didn't connect the dots she would just convince him that he just needed to try harder and he could woo the English woman. Sometimes men were just to much work.

AN: So that was funny to write and I have no idea why I connected France with Rory but whatever. Next chapter will be with the FACE family. Please tell me what you think.

Julia= Fem Prussia just FYI in case you wanted to know.

maman = mom

mon lapin = my rabbit

Ta mere est tellement petite, que sa Tete pue des pieds!= Your mother is so small her head smells of feet. - The internet could have been trolling me here, I did a search for funny French insults.


	5. The Danger of Food

The Danger of Food

Alice POV

Alice couldn't understand how so many humans had broken families; it was so painful for everyone involved. Alice could remember what it was like in 1763 when little Matthew had been taken from Francis and her King, George III, had tried to forbid him from visiting at first. However, the refusal didn't even last a month in the end.

"Matthew, you need to eat. It truly is good; isn't it, Amelia?" Alice tried again, placing another plate in front of the young boy and shooting her preteen sister/daughter/colony a look which was completely ignored.

"It is pretty good, but Mattie I gotta make you hot cakes. They are the best, little bro!" The exuberant older child chirped, happy to keep eating the scones smothered in jam. She paused before taking her brother's plate and trying to add even more jam to his scones.

"Amelia no, and Matthew please, you didn't eat dinner last night either. If you don't want scones what do you want to eat? I can surly find a recipe." Alice tried again after the child pushed away the scones, even after Amelia succeeded in adding extra jam, and stayed quite.

~Ten days later~

Francis POV

Francis had received a letter from Alice asking for him to hurry to her manor because Mathieu wasn't eating anything she made. Strange, he always had a healthy appetite; maybe she was just overreacting. Amelia, after all, ate anything set in front of her at an alarming rate. Maybe Alice wasn't used to children with normal appetites. As he opened the gate and was instantly tripped by the two bright eyed colonies.

"Papa, the kitchen is on fire." Was the soft comment from Mathieu instead of the cheerful greeting he had expected.

"Alice is baking something sweet!" Amelia happily commented, making him feel like this was a common occurrence.

"Mes Poulettes, I will find out what is happening. Why don't you go play in the garden." Francis said, giving them both hugs before shooing them towards the garden and away from the house, where he could now see smoke coming out of one of the windows.

Quickly entering the house, he followed the familiar sound of Alice's cursing and found the kitchen. Mathieu had thankfully been exaggerating, although the boy probably couldn't tell the difference. The kitchen wasn't on fire, only the stove. Alice was already working on putting out the fire, and between the two the fire was quickly subdued.

Francis surveyed the room, his eyes stopping at a pile of something on the counter. Oh God, it was alive and moving! He reached for his sword, ready to dispose of the creature that must have snuck in during the chaos, when he heard sniffing. Turning slightly, he was shocked to see Alice leaning heavily on the counter; crying and covered in flour. Had the creature eaten the food she was making?

"Ma poule? What is going on?" He asked taking a step closer to her. The animal had stopped moving, maybe it had died.

"Crêpe's," Alice mumbled into her hand. "I thought maybe if I made something French Matthew would eat it. I had heard of Crêpe's and I didn't think they could be that difficult. Look at them!" Here she paused and pointed accusingly at the 'animal' that he could now tell wasn't alive. Maybe it was wind blowing in from the open window making it move? "It looks nothing like the recipe said it would! I don't understand what I did wrong, Francis, I followed the recipe step by step!" Alice finished, and he was horrified to see tears start to well up in her eyes again.

"We can start over again, Ma poule. I see you have gotten some fruit. Why don't you cut that up and beat the whipping cream and I will make the actual Crêpe's." Francis said, guiding her safely away from the stove and to the small kitchen table next to her ice box where he could see strawberries and peaches set aside.

"We will never speak of this again, Francis." Alice sniffed, allowing herself to be lead to the table. "If you ever bring it up I will crush you, and actively invade France."

"I know, mon lapin, you will appear on my shores with a vengeance that no one can comprehend and send my generals running in fear." He said finishing her much used threat calmly as he found a wooden box to put the failed 'crêpe's' into. As he picked up the plate that they were sitting on, he froze, they were moving again and he could hear growling. They WERE alive! He quickly placed the lid on the box and shoved it aside. He would have to deal with that later, away from Alice since she was in this mood.

~Later that night~

Darkness had fallen and two figures could be seen walking out the gate; the taller grown figure carrying a wooden box.

"Now Mathieu, your maman and soeur are both strong women, so normally they can handle these things by themselves and don't like us interfering. However, it is our duty to guard them from monsters or unknown dangers, without them knowing." With that said he set the box down and unsheathing his sword, quickly making sure Mathieu was back and had his small dagger out in case it got past him.

Swiftly, he tipped back the lid and then lunged inside stabbing the strange Crêpe monster. He jumped when it made a strange noise, stabbing it several more times until it stopped squirming. Then, stepping back, he double checked to make sure nothing flammable was around as he lit the box on fire.

"Mathieu, I know your maman's cooking is strange, but it is best if you do not worry her as much. It is dangerous when she tries to cook French foods." Francis said with all seriousness as he watched the box and creature burn.

"Oui Papa, but how did it come alive?" Mathieu asked as he looked in awe between his father and the small fire that was burning.

"I don't know, and as long as she doesn't know she has the power to make Crêpe monsters to use against me when we fight, I will be happy." Was the only answer he got.

AN: Oh man I don't know why that was so much fun but it was.

I kind of got the idea from this Pin but I couldn't find out who did it originally so here is the pin so you can at least look at that.

pin/441212094721033692/

French translations some of them are repeats of obvious but I figured I better add them still.

Mes Poulettes= little chickens

ma poule = my hen

maman = mom

soeur =sister

oui =yes


	6. How could it have gotten worse?

How could it have gotten worse?

Francis POV

Francis had gotten used to strange calls regarding, or from, Alice. They were most commonly from the nations who had been both of their colonies. So when he answered the phone to hear Sealand on the other end yelling unintelligibility about Alice in the kitchen. So, with sigh he took the next flight to London to help his friend/enemy/love for all eternity deal with the energetic micro-nation.

When he reached the Kirkland manor he was met with the familiar sight of smoke billowing from the kitchen window. Then when he opened the door he was met with a set of even more familiar sounds. First there was Alice, who was cursing enough that it sounded like she was trying to relive her decades as a pirate. Then there was Amelia who was shouting about how they should have followed her recipe instead and how this wouldn't have happened if Alice could spell correctly. Suddenly, Mathieu slipped into the hallway carrying Peter over his shoulder like a Fireman.

"Papa, Maman was trying to cook foods from another country again" the quite nation explained softly.

"That jerk Alice messed up Karjalan Piirakka! Tina said anyone could make that and those two light the kitchen on fire making it!" Peter said frowning at the door.

"Peter be nice to your soeur, and Mathieu how bad is the fire? Have your Maman and soeur put out the fire yet?" Francis quizzed while shooting the youngest nation like boy a firm look.

"It was just the stove when I was in there, and Amelia was getting the fire extinguisher." Mathieu reported calmly, even though both men were quietly wondering how the two women could do this every time they tried to cook. Especially after the last time, when Francis and Mathieu had gone out and bought Alice an electric stove with a glass top and everything try to prevent the fires that were always started.

"Since theirs a fire going anyway, does anyone want flapjacks?" Was the sudden call from the kitchen. With a nod to Mathieu, who by now knew the routine he marched into the kitchen as if it were a battle. It was almost a dance by now, Mathieu would go get new food supplies and Francis would get the kitchen under control. Or at least put out the fires.

Taking a deep breath he stepped in, grabbing the spare fire extinguisher kept in the cabinet by the door. Amelia had found a cast iron skillet and seemed to be frying eggs and Alice, who was still cursing, was putting out a fire that had somehow started in the refrigerator. How did those two do this every time?! It wasn't even like they made difficult dishes.

"What was in the refrigerator, ma Cherie?" He asked, trying to pull their daughter away from the flames while ignoring her arguments.

"Fruit salad. Where did Mathieu and Peter go?" Alice asked, unconcerned by the fact that her fruit salad lit the entire refrigerator on fire. Looking at her he could see she had entered the pouting stage.

"I can't even think of anything to say. Amelia stop that, this fire is releasing all kinds of chemicals," Francis started, but then off to the side he saw it. Crawling off the baking sheet was another one of Alice's accidental monsters. Grabbing a large metal dish cover he slammed it over the creature and it's fellows before they could get loose.

"What? They look so bad you can't stand to have them uncovered! Tina said that they are Peter's favorite, I wanted him to eat something he enjoyed while he's over." Alice said pitifully, looking at the covered baking sheet that Francis was still holding the lid to.

"If you wanted him to enjoy it, maybe we shouldn't have tried to make it. We probably should have bought some instead." Amelia said as she looked at Alice, trying to discern if the older woman was going to start crying. Most likely not understanding that her little jab didn't help matters.

Before Alice could dissolve into tears, Mathieu came through the door, grocery bags in hand with Peter trailing behind. "Why don't you, Amelia, and Peter go and set the table. Then, mon lapin, why don't you show Peter your pirate sword. I'm sure you still have it and he would be very excited. Mathieu and I will make the Karjalan Piirakka," Francis said, trying to signal to Mathieu that there was something under the dish cover without alerting the others. He could hear them scratching and crawling from inside.

As soon as the other three left the room the two men jumped into action. The younger of the two grabbing the metal trash can, making sure it was empty. Once the creatures had been dumped into the trashcan and a ten pound bag of flour was used to keep it shut the two of them started cooking.

~~~~~~~~~ Late that night~~~~~~~~~~

"Peter, there is one thing you need to understand about your Soeur and Amelia," Francis started explaining as the three of them carried the rattling trashcan between them. "Don't ask Mon Lapin to cook foods that aren't from England."

"It also works out better if Amelia only cooks on a grill, or on a campfire." Mathieu added helpfully off to the side.

"Why are we carrying the trashcan out here in no-where land?" Peter asked pouting at the fact that the three of them were taking a hike in the night. Soon a familiar meadow appeared before them, a burnt dug out circle that, at this point, was as dangerous as a nuclear dump zone site near the center.

"Mathieu and I created this long before you were born little one, back when he was your age," Frances started to explain. Pulling on long thick gloves, he then overturned the trashcan into the circle and Peter jumped as the Karjalan Piirakka tumbled out before crawling around like a bunch of spiders that had their hiding spot found. Thankfully they were unable to climb out of the shallow pit. The older two started the well-practiced dance of "disposing" of the creatures and then stacking up a small bonfire.

"The jerk and Amelia did that?" Peter asked, looking shocked at the turn of events as he sat in-between Francis and Mathieu.

"They don't need to know they have this power, Peter," Mathieu said simply and all Peter could do was nod in agreement as he stared at the blaze in front of them.

AN: I had just had to write a current day food monster after the last chapter and then on my day to cook I was going to make something Finnish and found Karjalan Piirakka.

Karjalan Piirakka= are a type of pasties are made from a thin rye crust with a filling of rice.


End file.
